


You're Not Broken and I'm Not Scared

by faerystyles



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Mental Illness, Smut, Trigger Warnings, it has to bloom, like a flower, they hook up i promise you just bear with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-31
Packaged: 2018-01-15 13:32:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1306666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerystyles/pseuds/faerystyles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For some unexplained reason, Louis felt a miniscule glimmer of hope. But he rejected it almost instantly, as it was his first reaction. He didn’t want to be here, with all these mental cases. Sure, his doctors recommended him here, but it never changed the fact that he knew he could never get better. He was doubtful that manic depression was treated by shipping yourself off to a boarding school full of other mental kids who were just as bad, if not worse.</p>
<p>~ ~ ~ * * * ~ ~ ~</p>
<p>Louis has never had luck with his doctors before. But maybe it's not a prescription he needs. Quite possibly what he needs has thick curls, green eyes, and a burning desire to help Louis love again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> I do plan on this story being a bit lengthy, so strap in. 
> 
> -WARNINGS-  
> THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, SELF-HARM AND MENTAL ILLNESS. THIS STORY COULD CONTAIN POSSIBLE TRIGGERS SO DO READ WITH CAUTION. 
> 
> Hopefully this bodes over well. Please comment or give a kudos if you read and enjoyed! Thank you and happy reading :0) xx

Chapter 1  
He held the damp cardboard box tight against his chest. The rain started picking up, but he didn’t hurry to get inside. A boy about his age held the door open for him so he muttered a quiet ‘thanks’. Warm air enveloped him as he entered the lobby of the dorm building, making the last trip from the car to his new dorm room. 

His mother stood in the center of the large room with her hands clutched to her chest. She had a classic mother’s expression of worry mixed with fear. Louis hated it when his mother was like this. He bitterly swallowed his words and set the last box down with the rest of them. 

She brought out a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped at her eyes, glancing out the classy gothic-style windows. “Louis, this place will be good for you. They can help you more than anyone back home ever could,” She moved closer to him, reaching out to straighten out his aviator jacket. “But I’m going to miss you so much. Your sisters are just sorry they  
couldn’t make the trip out here,”

Louis held his somber expression, unchanged by her heartbroken voice. “It was your choice to send me here,” His words were harsh. His mother’s face held no sign of reaction, because she had heard the same words from him a thousand times. 

She put her arms at his elbows and stepped back. “I’m doing this because I love you, Lou. I want you to get better for me, but most importantly for yourself,” There was a moment of thoughtful silence before she reached up to kiss his cheek. “I love you Louis,” With that, she embraced him in a hug which he surprisingly returned. She gave him a soft smile with tears brimming in her eyes. “We’ll talk soon,” After giving him a reassuring pat on the arm, she stepped out of the room and carefully closed the door behind her. 

Louis fought the overwhelming urge to cry. So to distract himself, he started unpacking his boxes. His room was more spacious than any normal boarding school dorm. It was a single room, but to his right was a door to him and his roommate’s own private bathroom. A bed identical to his was placed in the corner diagonal to his bed. They kept the rooms plainly decorated with white furniture and plush grey carpet. The row of rather tall windows looked out into the spacious campus courtyard. New students and their parents were rushing to and from their cars into the dorms, arms full of boxes and bags and comforters as they tried to escape the now pouring rain. 

For some unexplained reason, Louis felt a miniscule glimmer of hope. But he rejected it almost instantly, as it was his first reaction. He didn’t want to be here, with all these whack jobs. Sure, his doctors recommended him here, but it never changed the fact that he knew he could never get better. He was doubtful that manic depression was treated by shipping yourself off to a boarding school full of other mental kids who were just as bad, if not worse. 

Westermarsh Therapeutic Academy for Young Men was supposedly the highest-ranked school for kids like him, the ones who needed help but never get it. He felt extremely bitter and hopeless about the whole thing. No one could help him. They couldn’t just slap a Band-Aid on his wounds and ship him back home to mommy, which is what he fully expected them to do. 

He didn’t care about these people, or his schoolwork, or his friends. Hell, he hardly even cared about his family anymore. He remembers exactly the last time he felt okay. It was a year ago, before he was given a reason to be miserable. But three suicide attempts later, and he ends up here. In this unknown place, surrounded by strangers.  
Naturally, there was a piece of him that wanted to get better. It’s evolution, the will to survive. But he couldn’t help but doubt everything all the time. What could the therapists at this place do for him that the therapists back home couldn’t?

Louis ran through these thoughts and more in his head. And suddenly, it occurred to him that he was to have a roommate. But there were no signs of life in the room besides his own boxes in his corner. He was glad. The last thing he wanted was an obnoxious, possibly insane, roommate. 

The most important boxes, minus the ones with his clothes, were unpacked. He made his bed and sat on it, pulling out his laptop and plugging the battery in. Just then, a knock came to the door. Louis’ heart sank for he feared it was a roommate. “It’s open,” He called out. 

A red-headed woman in her early 50’s stepped through the door. Louis let out a quiet sigh of relief. Her face was attractive, but aged. She held herself high and seemed naturally kind. A clipboard was tucked close to her chest. “Louis? Louis Tomlinson?” Her voice was calm and reassuring. Louis felt himself relax. 

“That’s me,” He set the laptop on the end table next to bed and stood up. 

“My name is Kathy. I’m here to take you to your introduction with your regular counselor,” 

“Oh, alright,” was all he said. She nodded curtly and turned to walk out while making sure he followed behind her. 

She spoke again with a reassuring voice as they walked down the seemingly endless yet scholarly and comforting corridors. Pictures of previous classes and staff were everywhere on the walls along with detailed paintings of various scenes and objects. “Well Louis, I can personally assure you that Westermarsh is the best path to take towards recovery. Our medical staff are some of the best in the world, and we will do everything possible to make sure you’re comfortable here,” Kathy glanced behind her, flashing a comforting smile at Louis. He didn’t respond, only nodded, as he tucked his hands into his pockets. 

She stopped at a heavy wood door with a frosted glass window that had “Mark Winston, PhD” printed in white letters. “Dr. Winston will be your reoccurring therapist for your entire year. If you need anything else like directions, information or anything like that, just find me somewhere around here. I’ll be guiding the rest of the boys to their counselors for most of the afternoon,” She smiled and opened the door for him, leaving briskly. 

Louis walked into the office, and met eyes with the man he presumed to be Dr. Winston. He looked to be about 45, tall and dressed professionally. Glasses sat perched on the end of his nose as he read from a notepad in his lap. He looked up and smiled, taking off his glasses while standing up with his hand extended. “Hello, Louis. I’m Dr. Winston. But go ahead and call me Mark,” they shook hands and sat in their respective seats. 

“So, this is just an introductory session. It’ll only take about 10 minutes. It’s just good for us to meet before school-wide sessions start tomorrow,” They talked casually for the next couple minutes, about casual things such as Louis’ trip up from Doncaster. He responded only when he needed to, like always. The discussion came to a close soon. “One last thing. Have you met your roommate yet?” He felt his stomach dropped. 

“Roommate? I don’t have one,” Louis sat up a little. 

“But here it says you do. He must’ve gotten here a bit late. His name is…Harold Styles,” Mark looked up at him. 

The disgust on his face must have shown because Mark followed with “If you’re worried about getting a roommate with a critical disorder, you have nothing to worry about. The critical cases have their own rooms in a separate wing,” This put him at ease a bit, so he nodded and stood up. Mark followed and shook his hand again. “Louis, I will see you tomorrow afternoon. Have a good evening,” He nodded and left Mark’s office, working his way back towards the room.  
He felt extremely annoyed. This was just great. Turns out he does have to put up with a gross, obnoxious kid for the rest of the year. And what kind of posh, stuck-up name was Harold Styles? He felt sick when he reached his dorm and noticed the door was cracked slightly while sounds of movement came from inside. He gritted his teeth and sucked in a deep breath, pushing open the door. 

-End of chapter 1-


	2. Console

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they sat right like, under that sky for what seemed like years. Louis couldn't help but feel like maybe he could be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go chapter deux 
> 
> -WARNINGS-  
> THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF-HARM, AND MENTAL ILLNESS. THIS STORY COULD CONTAIN POSSIBLE TRIGGERS SO DO READ WITH CAUTION

Chapter 2  
If Louis had been completely honest with himself right then and there, he would have admitted that Harold Styles was one of the most attractive boys he’d ever seen. But, since Louis continuously snuffs out any positive feelings, Harold was nothing but a predicted nuisance. 

Upon entering the room, Louis caught sight of a tall, lanky figure, fitted in a black t-shirt, dark jeans, and expensive Italian boots. He had voluminous hair, rich with curls. Stray pieces of hair danced around as he moved while unpacking, humming under his breath as he went. 

Louis wouldn’t admit it, but was captivated for a moment. He quickly snapped out of it and cleared his throat to get the boy’s attention. Harold spun around, a bright smile growing on his face as he caught sight of Louis. “I suppose you’re my roommate. I’m Harry,” He extended a hand towards Louis who returned it, trying to keep his cool. Harry’s voice was deep and enticing, and Louis hated how much he liked it. 

“Louis,” He responded, moving towards his unpacked boxes of clothes. He tried to put all his focus into his clothes at that moment. 

“Where are you from?” He could hear Harry shuffling around with some papers. 

“Doncaster,” After a moment’s hesitation, Louis decided to play the conversation game. “You?”

“Cheshire. I actually used to visit an aunt in Doncaster when I was younger. Lovely town,” Harry’s voice was deep and inviting. Louis felt his defensive walls coming up. Ever since the incident, Louis has remained to himself, never letting anyone in and shutting all the important people out. He hasn’t gotten hurt yet, so why stop now? He wasn’t about to cozy up to his new roommate no matter how attractive or charismatic he was. Louis had to bite on his tongue to keep from screaming out in frustration. 

Harry respected Louis’ silence and the both of them went on unpacking their belongings. Louis couldn’t stop pondering Harry, and fought the constant urge to talk to him. For another 20 minutes or so, they unpacked in silence while Louis internally fought with himself. 

Louis jumped slightly when Harry cleared his voice, breaking the silence, and spoke, “You want to head down to dinner together? They said they want us there at 5 and I wouldn’t mind us getting to know each other a bit more,” Louis forced himself to turn and finally look at Harry, getting his first full look at the boy. 

He was lightly tanned, and had intense green eyes. His thick curly hair was pushed back out of his face, which was beautifully sculpted. Overall, he had wholesome features that complimented his tall and thin frame. He was beautiful, and Louis tried not to stare. This was the person he would have to deal with for the rest of the year. Even more doubt started to spread in his stomach. 

Why was Harry here? He seemed completely okay. Normal, even. What was wrong with him? Louis thought carefully, and decided to stay. He wasn’t about to crumble just because he finds this guy attractive. “I’ve still got some things to unpack. I’ll see you there, I guess,” Harry frowned a little. 

“Okay, no problem. See you there,” He gave a final smile, making Louis feel warm inside. Louis held his breath until the door shut behind Harry. As he exhaled, he kicked the dresser behind him and tugged at his hair. Frustration made his skin itch with anger. Why did everything have to be like this? Why did he have to be here, in this place far away from home, with this boy who was surely going to burst Louis’ bubble? 

He made plans in his head to just completely ignore Harry altogether. Without talking, how could Harry try anything? 

Louis was snapped out of his self-destructive train of thought by the grumbling in his stomach. He decided now was the time to head down to the dinner hall. He was already 5 minutes late. 

He crossed the huge campus courtyard to the mess hall where dinner would be served. The rain was now a drizzle but Louis still put his hood up. He entered the large room, looking around at all the boys. Most were sitting with their roommates as humble chatter filled the air. He moved over to the line and went down with his plate, being served by the women behind the counter. Picking up the tray with the plate, Louis felt anxiety build as he didn’t know where to sit. He didn’t even bother looking for Harry. His mind was already made up about that. He spotted an almost empty table by the windows where two boys sat, chatting nonchalantly. 

Louis walked over to them, hopeful they would just get back to their conversation and leave him alone. As he sat down, they looked up at him with a bright smile. They were sitting side by side and seemed to know each other very well, which struck Louis as odd, since he thought most of these people had just met. 

“Hello there,” the first one said. His skin was naturally tanned, and his features were dark. He had soft-looking black hair and light brown eyes that seemed to twinkle.

“What might your name be?” the second boy had dark brown that was kept short on the sides and longer at the top. He looked strong and muscular. 

“Louis,” He responded, his eyes flashing carefully between them. 

“Well Louis, I’m Liam and this is Zayn,” the muscular one introduced himself. “Is this your first year at Westermarsh?” Liam inquired. 

“Uh, yeah. Yours?” Louis noticed that the food on Liam’s plate didn’t come close to touching. Every different food was pushed to its own portion of the plate. 

Liam laughed softly. “No. This is my third year. They think it’ll be my last,” He smiled proudly. Louis was shocked, but did not show it. People actually came back to this place? He became scared. What if he wasn’t better by the end of the year? Would he have to come back? His doubt came back to him, but he tried desperately to push it to the side. 

“And you?” Louis looked at Zayn who sat up a little straighter.

“I came here halfway through last year’s second semester. This is my first full year,” Zayn had a soft voice with a northern accent similar to Louis’.

Louis picked at his food and took small mouthfuls here and there. “So, I hate to ask this and I guess you don’t have to if you don’t want…but why are you here?”  
Liam and Zayn exchanged glances. “Sorry…” Louis mumbled.

“No, it’s alright,” Liam smiled genuinely. “I had severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, but I’m on the mend,” He smiled hopefully but Louis couldn’t help but glance at his food arrangement. 

“I’m here because I have insomnia,” His words kind of trailed off and he looked down. Liam reached down his hand and touched his leg reassuringly. 

“What about you, if you don’t mind me asking?” Liam asked. 

“I uh-“ just then, Louis was cut off by the sounds of microphone feedback. Kathy, the woman who had helped Louis earlier was now at the front of the dining hall by the entrance doors. She tapped the microphone and cleared her throat. 

“Good evening, boys,” she had that same motherly smile from earlier. “I would personally like to welcome you to Westermarsh Therapeutic Academy for Young Men. Though some of you may feel skeptical or doubtful about this place, you should know that everyone, and I mean everyone here has one goal: to help you. Now, you’ve all received your schedules, and classes begin tomorrow at 9 am. Breakfast will be here in the mess hall starting at 8. If anyone needs anything, ask any one of the administrators here. We care for you and are here to guide you indefinitely,” She smiled, pulling away from the microphone and scattered applause picked up all around the room. 

As he turned to look back at Liam and Zayn, he caught Harry staring at him. Quickly, he turned back to the two boys. His heartbeat filled his ears until it was all he could hear. Liam was talking to him, but he couldn’t hear him. Louis’ hands dropped to fists in his lap and he started trembling. Adrenaline flooded his system until he couldn’t bear it anymore. Hot tears brimmed at his eyes as he quickly stood up out of his seat and rushed out of the cafeteria. Vomit reared at the back of his throat and he heaved it out violently into the grass once he was outside. 

He stood there with his hands on his knees, sobbing and coughing in a huge fit. He hated himself, this school, everyone in that goddamned mess hall. He wanted it all to end right there. End the pain, the emotional numbness. Why would you let him suffer and be tortured like this? Just let him end it right now. Don’t send him to this special school with the hope he’ll maybe be okay. He doesn’t want to be okay. He doesn’t want to be anything but dead. 

Louis hadn’t realized, but he’d collapsed to the wet grass, his fingers scratching anxiously at this arms. He just barely heard the mess hall door open behind him followed by the sound of someone jogging over in his direction. That already familiar voice broke the muffled sound barrier he’d been feeling. He was the last person Louis wanted to see, but oddly enough, he didn’t send him away. 

Harry started to sit down next to Louis, minding the vomit a couple feet away. “Don’t,” Louis broke out. “The grass is wet,” The last thing on Louis’ mind was his personal pact to ignore Harry. 

“I love wet grass. Love it,” Harry plopped right down, making it clear that he really didn’t care about the grass. There was a moment of passing silence before Harry spoke, “I know we’ve just met, but I feel this…pull towards you,” Louis was too scared to look over at Harry. “And I want you to know that I’m ready to be here for you. I don’t know what happened in there, and maybe one day you’ll tell me. But right now, I just want you to understand that I care. I care a lot,”

Harry’s words sat on Louis’ mind heavily. They felt soft and warm, and Louis didn’t want to ever forget those words, or that moment right there. He felt a large reassuring hand on his back. Louis just let himself lean into Harry’s side, and the best part was that Harry not only let him, he held him closer. 

They sat like that for a good long couple of moments. “Thank you,” Louis all but whispered the phrase. He just felt Harry nod and squeeze his shoulder. 

And then Louis felt it a very faint sensation of something he had not felt in a very long time:  
Hope. 

-End of chapter 2-


	3. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt lucky, he couldn't tell you why. Louis was the one thing on his mind, and it just so helped that they're roommates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trois because I have no school tomorrow (hella)
> 
> -WARNINGS-  
> THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF-HARM, AND MENTAL ILLNESS. THERE ARE POSSIBLE TRIGGERS IN THIS STORY. READ WITH CAUTION

For the first time in a very long time, longer than Louis could recall, he was engaging with another person. Okay, so he wasn’t spilling his heart out to Harry. In fact, he was still remaining to himself quite a bit. But it was a step in the right direction, Louis knew. And he didn’t feel sorry for it either, which was a definite change. 

After they had been sitting in front of the mess hall for about 20 minutes, Harry proposed that they go back to the dorm room. It was starting to get unbearably cold as night approached. Louis agreed and they walked quietly back to the dormitory building. 

They sat down on their respective beds. Harry kicked off his shoes and leaned against the backboard with his hands behind his head. He watched Louis thoughtfully. Louis’ eyes were still puffy and red from when he had been crying. Harry admired him, and found him extremely attractive. Physically and emotionally. Something about him just hooked Harry right in. He felt lucky that he got to room with him.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you in here?” Harry inquired as he leaned over to his radio and turned it on, turning the volume down low.

“Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed I have some…emotional problems. Manic depression; to be specific. My mum got tired of me ‘walking around the house like a bloody zombie’, according to her,” Louis stood up and took off his aviator jacket and shirt. His eyes flickered over to Harry who was eyeing him up and down. Quickly, he pulled a hoodie from his dresser and slipped it on, shaking off his slight shock. 

Harry caught himself. “That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you,”

“Yes it does. I’m horribly mixed up. Not even worth saving at this point. There’s nothing they can do for me,” He shoved his hands in his pocket, and cast his eyes downward. 

Harry sat up a little straighter. “You can’t tell yourself that. I don’t think you’re mixed up. You’re burdened, yeah, but not broken,” 

Louis’ eyes flashed up at Harry. He felt a slight flutter in his stomach. Why did his words have such an effect on him? Louis felt he had to change the subject. “So, uh, what about you? Why are you here?” 

Harry settled back down, folding his hands. “I have problems sleeping,” His eyes drifted away from Louis, and just like with Zayn, Louis felt like there was more to his problems than just not being able to sleep. But Louis wasn’t one to pry. 

Despite the excitement of tonight, Louis felt exhausted, as he always did. He yawned hard. “Oh okay wait. I understand that you’re probably pretty exhausted, but one more thing,” Harry reached over and grabbed a folded slip of paper from his end table drawer. He shuffled excitedly over to Louis’ bed, sitting down with crossed legs across from Louis. “Let’s compare our schedule. With only 5 classes, we’re bound to have something together. 

Louis picked up his schedule from the floor and gave it to Harry. He held a breath as their hands brushed. Harry took it, scanning the papers quickly. Louis couldn’t help but admire the excited look on Harry’s face. There was a single strand of curled hair in his face, and Louis wanted nothing more than to brush it away. It took every ounce of him to resist the urge. 

“Okay, so we have English and music together,” Harry looked up with a delighted smile, handing Louis’ paper back to him. 

Louis pulled a soft smile, something he was not used to doing. “That’s great,” His voice was genuine and Harry seemed to notice because he just spent a moment studying Louis’ face before nodding finally and heading off to his own bed. He started stripping down to his boxers, and now it was Louis’ turn to stare. He tried not to, but it was extremely difficult.   
Harry must’ve caught Louis, because Louis could’ve sworn he saw him smirk. 

Louis leaned over and flipped off the light switch. They muttered tired ‘goodnights’ as comforting darkness filled the room.

Louis felt his bones ache as he settled into his comforter. It smelled like home still, so Louis buried his face in it, feeling a strong pang in his heart. It smelled like home and he could smell her. The one he lost that while ago. Hot tears stained his comforter, and he trembled down to his very core. He missed her so much. Every pain he’d ever felt came rushing back in a tidal wave of hurt. 

Severe doubt filled his stomach. None of this whole charade of a school would work. God help him, maybe he had a friend in Harry. But it didn’t matter. Not when he couldn’t help but feel like shit literally all of the time. None of this sadness or confusion was a choice. 

The thought of Harry broke his dark thoughts for a moment. There was something there between them, and Louis decided to hold onto that feeling. If only for a second.   
Minute after minute, Louis’ trembling slowed, and the tight pain in throat subsided. Slowly, he drifted into sleep, dreaming soundly. 

Louis dreamed about only one thing that night, and it was asleep in the bed right across from him. 

-End of chapter 3-


	4. Lightened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was once heavy becomes light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I haven't posted this chapter for a while. Things have been busy and I've finally found the time to sit down and write. Enjoy! xx
> 
> -WARNINGS-  
> THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF-HARM, MENTAL ILLNESS, AND ALLUSIONS TO RAPE. THERE ARE POSSIBLE TRIGGERS IN THIS STORY. READ WITH CAUTION

A whole week had passed since that fateful first day at Westermarsh. Louis was introduced to his classes and teachers, but felt no ambition to learn or work, the same as it had been back home. And of course, it didn’t help that he had a curly-haired distraction in two of his classes.

Harry and Louis continued to talk, Harry more involved in the conversations than Louis was. But Louis noticed himself opening up just a little bit, miniscule as it was. 

Louis had had his first full session with Dr. Winston, or Mark, as he liked to be called. It was an unproductive appointment as Mark spent most the time asking Louis about his basic information. His hobbies, his family, his friends, etc. It was all very casual and they had yet to discuss the reason why Louis felt the way he did. It was all to be determined. 

It was Friday afternoon of that same week, and the entire campus had that ‘Friday excitement’. Classes were done until next Monday. The weekends at Westermarsh were reserved for relaxation, group therapy sessions, and intermural sports. Louis was currently on his bed, reading one of the books he had brought along. His peace was disrupted by the sound of the door opening and Harry walking in. 

“Hey Lou!” Harry greeted cheerfully. 

“Hey,” Louis responded, not looking up.  
“It’s quite nice out today, now that the rain finally stopped. You want to head outside and kick around the football?” Harry rolled a football out from under his bed with his foot and then kicked it upwards to his hands. 

Louis felt a tightening in his stomach. He hadn’t played football in the longest time. He used to be the captain of his high school’s team until everything fell apart. There was no reason why he couldn’t play now, he supposed. “Yeah, sure,”

Louis sat up and bit back a smile when Harry’s eyes lit up at his acceptance. They walked out into the grass field in the courtyard where a single goal was set up for the weekend’s intermural sports. Harry dropped the ball to the ground and rolled it back and forth with his foot. “You play?”

“Used to. I stopped a while back. You?” Louis didn’t wait for an answer before he swiftly stole the ball from Harry and dribbled it skillfully to the goal, kicking it in like a professional would. 

Harry laughed loudly, clapping his hands once. “That was awesome! You’re a hustler though. Who knew?”

Louis dribbled the ball back and shrugged, a coy smile on his face. “I’ve dabbled in it,”  
“More than dabbled, I’ll say. Now that I’m ready, let’s dribble some, yeah?” Louis fell prey to Harry’s words and that cute little smirk he pulled towards the end. He passed it to Harry, and it began.

They probably spent a good hour running around with the ball, passing it and dribbling. They also managed to pull off some trick shots. More than once, Louis laughed genuinely, smiling too. Harry realized then that it was the first time he’d heard Louis laugh since they met. It was magic, and Harry decided that his number one priority would be to hear that laugh as much as possible. 

Louis, on the other hand, hadn’t felt this great since as far back as he could bear to think. He couldn’t tell if it was the fresh air, the love of the sport, or the good accompaniment of Harry. There wasn’t any guilt. He wasn’t thinking about home, or his family, or the incident. He was living in the moment and it was pure bliss. 

They hadn’t realized just how fast time had really flown by because the sun had set a considerable amount, and Kathy was making her way across the courtyard towards them. “Louis?” She called out at the edge of the grass. She wasn’t heard over the excitement of the two boys, so she repeated herself. “Louis!”

Louis turned his head, stopping the ball with his foot. She waved him over as she talked. “Your session with Dr. Winston is in 5 minutes. Better hurry, now!” 

He felt his stomach pull itself into a knot. He’d forgotten all about his appointment, and now he was filled with dread. The last thing he wanted to do was stop playing with Harry, and the very last thing he wanted to do was speak about nothing with his therapist again. 

Louis reluctantly kicked the ball over the Harry and waved. “See you in a bit, Harry,” Louis called out behind him as he walked with heavy feet towards the dormitory building. 

“Bye, Lou!” Harry called out cheerfully, and Louis instantly felt a little better. He knew he was going to grow used to the fact that Harry gave him good feelings. He had to.

He finally got to Dr. Winston’s office and knocked before opening the door. “Louis!” Dr. Winston greeted as he sat up from his large desk and moved to the chair where he always sat. “How are you doing today? You look…refreshed,”

“I was, uh, just outside kicking around a football,” The monotone pitch started to creep back into his voice while he settled into the couch across from Mark. 

“Good! That’s great. You should consider playing in some the games we’re having this weekend,” Mark jotted something down on his legal pad. 

“Maybe,” Louis responded carefully. 

Mark cleared his throat and crossed one leg over the other. “So how have your classes been working out for you?”

“Alright,” was all Louis said. 

Mark didn’t respond for a moment and set down his pen beside him. “Louis, I’m going to say this for the sake of our future sessions, and the overall progress of your mental health. You and I, we have to communicate, or else all of this,” he motioned around him, “is a flop. My job is to help you, and give you all the knowledge I can. But I can’t do any of that if we can’t talk. I will never be a judge of your feelings, nor tell you how you should feel. I’m here to help you sort your own feelings out, and reach your own conclusions,” Everything about him was safe and open and comforting. His body language, his eyes, and his voice all lead Louis to start taking down his wall, brick by brick. 

Louis took a minute to respond, thinking carefully. He sat up a little straighter, nodding his head. “Alright, I'll try,"

Mark smiled gratefully and picked his pen back up. “Wonderful. Thank you, Louis. You’ll find that things will start to get a little easier between us from here on out,”

Louis realized that it wasn’t as difficult as it was to pull a soft smile.

“Now, let’s start over. How has your first week here at Westermarsh been?”

“Unexpected,” 

“How so?”

“I’m feeling differently than I’ve ever felt at home,”

“And how did you feel at home?”

“I…that’s the thing, I guess. I didn’t feel anything,”

“You felt emotionally numb?”

“Yeah. And here, I’m feeling something,”

“Is it good or bad?” 

“I can’t tell yet,”

“Well, often times, feeling something, whether it’s good or bad, is a step up from feeling nothing at all. It’s showing that you’re opening up to those emotions that you maybe locked away a while ago,”

“That makes sense,”

“Okay, let’s go a little further back. I’ve been reading through your files sent in from your previous counselors, so I have a fair idea of the incident you experienced a while back. Now, I know this may be hard for you, but it is important to our progress here. Could you tell me, in your own words, what happened to start all of this? It’s important for me to hear that you acknowledge the incident and the loss, and it will help me to establish what needs to be assessed in the future,”

Louis shifted in his seat bit at his cheeks. He took in a labored breath before speaking. “My sister killed herself,” He looked away, willing himself not to cry. It was like he’d been punched in the stomach. The room started to get smaller. 

“Yes, and I understand there was a note. What was significant about the note?”

“She wrote it for me. She was saying goodbye to me,” Louis’ pain could be heard in his voice. 

“No one else in the family? Not your parents or other sisters?”

“No. Just me,”

“Okay, the worst part is over. We never have to talk about it again, Louis. We don’t. There is no greater pain than the loss of someone we love more than we could ever love ourselves,” His voice was sympathetic and soft to Louis’ ears. But Louis didn’t want to stop talking about it. This was the first time he had ever opened up to somebody like he was about to. Every raw emotion came pouring out of Louis like a righteous fountain. 

“It was all MY FAULT,” He exploded as his face scrunched in agony while he bent over and fit his head between his knees. His back and chest heaved with passionate sobs. Mark moved next to Louis on the couch and patted his back.

“How do you believe it’s your fault?”

“I COULDN’T SAVE HER. SHE WAS DROWING THE WHOLE TIME AND NO MATTER WHAT I DID, I COULDN’T SAVE HER,”

“Louis, people in the position she was in don’t want to be saved. They can’t be saved, no matter how hard we try,”

“YOU WEREN’T THERE. YOU COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN. WHAT THOSE MEN DID TO HER…THEY KILLED HER LONG BEFORE SHE KILLED HERSELF. I WASN’T THERE TO PROTECT HER,” shameless cries ripped through Louis, and every word was filled with passionate anger that he’d been holding back for what seemed like a life time. 

Mark methodically returned with silence, letting Louis’ demons circle the room. Hopefully afterwards, he could be free of at least a few of them. 

“I’M SORRY. I’M SO SORRY, BABY GIRL. THEY RUINED YOU, AND NO ONE WAS THERE TO STOP THEM. I WOULD HAVE. I WOULD HAVE,” 

After years of being a professional, even Dr. Winston couldn’t help but feel a sharp jab of pain through his heart for this boy. He was wrecked, and it’s no wonder why he’s been diagnosed with manic depression. Something like this could have unraveled anyone. But he could also tell that this was the first time Louis had opened up like this to anyone. It was a huge step forward, and Mark felt extremely proud of the boy. 

A good 15 minutes passed before Louis’ sobs died down to soft whimpers. Mark handed Louis a tissue which used and then balled up in his hand. Mark then moved back to his chair, giving Louis one last final reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. 

“I could have saved her, but I didn’t,” Louis’ voice was above a whisper. “I was the only one who tried hard to help her after they did that to her. She got so bad. She never talked to anyone but me. And even towards the end, she wouldn’t say a word to even me,” His voice was hoarse and his face puffy and sad. 

“When traumatic things like that happen to people, they shut down. They shut down, and don’t let anyone in. We try the best we can to help them, and if they want it, they will take it. But that’s all we can do for them. The rest is up to their own devices. You did absolutely everything you could, and more. Accepting that is hard, but once you do, it will shift  
your entire perspective,”

Louis simply nodded, understanding his words.

“Our session is just about over, but if you want to stay and talk some more, we definitely can,”

Louis shook his head and stood up, followed by Mark. “No, it’s alright,”

“Okay, Louis. Our next session is next Friday, same time. If you need anything before then, feel free to schedule something with Kathy. I’m always willing to do a session as long as I’m not in one currently. You made really good progress today, Louis. The raw stuff is out of the way. I see bright happenings in the future,” He smiled understandingly and squeezed Louis’ shoulder.

“Thank you, Mark,” Louis made his way out the door and down the hallway to the dorms. 

Speaking about the incident made Louis re-experience the helplessness and heartbreak he’d felt at first, but in some way, he felt lighter. He’d never told anyone how he felt his sister’s suicide was his own fault. But now that he wasn't alone in his mind, his heart didn’t feel so heavy. 

Already, he felt one step closer to maybe being alright. Alright was okay. It was perfectly okay. Nothing could ever change what happened, but he can change what will happen. 

-End of Chapter 4-


	5. Awakened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think you should know why I'm here," tears welled up in Harry's eyes again, and a whimper came from the back of his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I felt really super productive today and was able to get a second chapter done! There's more Larry action in this one xx
> 
> -WARNINGS-  
> THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF-HARM, AND MENTAL ILLNESS. THERE ARE POSSIBLE TRIGGERS IN THIS STORY. READ WITH CAUTION.

After Louis’ intense meeting with Dr. Winston, he decided to go back to his dorm to see if Harry was there. He wanted nothing more than to return to the football game they were playing earlier, but it was already almost dinner time. 

He opened the door and saw Harry sitting on his bed with his laptop open. His eyes jerked up to meet Louis’ and a sincere smile broke out on his face. “Hey Lou,” His smile faded when he noticed Louis’ puffy and red eyes. Concerned, he closed the laptop and walked over to Louis. “Everything alright?”

Louis cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah, of course. Just allergies from the trees outside, you know?” He wasn’t ready to tell Harry his reasons for being here at Westermarsh. Thus, he couldn’t look him in the eye. But he kept his voice steady. 

Harry gave Louis an unbelieving look, but he wasn’t going to pry. “You want to go grab some dinner, then?”

Louis nodded, following Harry out the door. They walked to the dining hall while Harry chatted excitedly about the games tomorrow. 

“We should go for football tomorrow. Everyone should see how well you play,” Harry had playfulness in his voice, yet was completely serious. Louis rolled his eyes but gave a small chuckle as they went down the line to get their food. 

They took their seats before Louis responded. “I don’t think I’m ‘team material’ much anymore,”

Harry chewed his food and frowned. “Anymore? Why not?”

Louis looked down and took a mouthful of food as an excuse to stall from answering. He swallowed before speaking. “I just, you know, grew out of it,” He shrugged, hoping they   
would talk about something else quickly. 

“That’s a shame. You’re pretty quick on your feet. I really think you should play tomorrow,” Harry’s dimples showed while he chewed. Louis felt butterflies in his stomach at the sight of him. Only Harry could look so cute with a mouthful of food. 

“I’ll think about it,” Louis said finally, earning an appreciative nod from Harry. 

“Good,” He responded and then coughed, almost choking on his food. Louis chuckled as Harry swallowed with difficulty. “Oh my god. I almost died and you’re sitting there laughing,” Louis laughed even harder, trying to keep his food from flying out of his mouth. Harry felt his whole body buzz with warmth at the sound of Louis’ laugh. It was such an enchanting sound and he couldn’t help but feel a little proud to make this melancholy boy laugh. 

After Louis’ laughing fit, Harry noticed a bit of food had gotten to his cheek. “Oh, Louis, you uh…” Harry leaned over and gently wiped it from his face, keeping his hand there for a bit longer than he had to. Louis was warm under Harry’s touch, and to his surprise, Louis didn’t pull away. It was a tense moment as they studied each other’s faces. 

Louis didn’t want him to take his hand away. 

Harry wanted more. 

But for the sake of the atmosphere, Harry cleared his throat and sat back down as he wiped the food on his napkin. And to their relief, it wasn’t awkward. If anything, it was a moment that brought them closer together.

They talked for the rest of the dinner hour, just about classes and what school was like back home. It was comfortable between the two of them and became the formation of a solid friendship, possibly the best one either of them had ever had.   
Towards the end of the hour, they decided to head back to their room. Louis had a bit of homework he wanted to get done before the weekend. So, Louis sat at his desk and started on his homework as Harry messed around on his laptop.   
One thing Louis had picked up about Harry was his sleeping habits. It was like he tried to avoid sleep as much as he could. But he always fell asleep one way or another, usually with his clothes still on. He never went to bed and willed himself to go to sleep. It was odd, but Louis tried not to think too much of it.

About an hour later, Louis decided to turn into bed. He stripped down to his boxers and crawled under the covers, turning out his desk lamp. “Night, Harry,”

“Night, Lou,” Harry turned off his own desk lamp for Louis’ comfort, but continued to mess around on his computer. Louis was so exhausted from the day’s events that he didn’t even have a second thought before falling asleep. 

Nothing could have woke him except what happened at 3:47 that morning. 

First, it started in his dreams. There was screaming everywhere. Louis didn’t know where from, but it sounded like it was coming from overhead speakers. He was on a crowded football field, filled with people from back home and people from Westermarsh. Everyone was standing still with blank expressions. No one was moving or speaking. Louis was making his way through the crowd, trying to find the person screaming. He spotted his mother and his sisters, Dr. Winston, Kathy, his old football team, and many others. But none of them were responding or even looking at him. He had to push past them, moving them out of the way as if they were zombies. Finally, as he was just about to see who was screaming, his body jerked upwards out of bed and he woke up instantly. 

He felt out of breath and it took him a minute to realize that the screaming was still happening.

It was Harry. 

Louis threw off his blankets and rushed over to Harry, seeing that he was still in bed. Louis was stunned with fear. Harry was dead asleep but he sounded as if he were being murdered. Adrenaline and confusion pumped through Louis’ body as he grabbed Harry’s shoulders and pleaded for him to wake up. 

Harry’s body was drenched with sweat, and after a minute or two of Louis begging scared, Harry snapped out of his sleep and blinked his eyes open rapidly. His sweaty body reached up and held Louis tight. He was trembling.

Louis was too shocked to hold him back right away. He’d never even come close to picturing Harry in this mental state. But he was worried. He cared about Harry. He cared about him a lot. So, he held him back. He wrapped his arms tight around his lean body and rocked gently. 

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ neck, burying his face into the crook of it. It reminded Louis of the way his younger sisters held onto him when they were scared. It gave him a sense of belonging, of dependency. 

Louis sat just like that, swaying gently as Harry cried soft tears into his neck. Louis rubbed his back and spoke softly. “What happened Harry? Was it a nightmare?” Harry nodded and stayed a minute before pulling away and wiping at his face. 

The room was illuminated just right by the glow of the moon outside. It gave a certain haunting ambiance to the mood. Harry opened his mouth, about to speak, but he was looking away from Lou, at the floor. “I think you should know why I’m here,” Tears welled up in Harry’s eyes again, and a whimper came from the back of his throat. “I have dream anxiety disorder. Some nights I have these night terrors that are so…real, I just…” his words broke off as he started crying again, burying his face in his hands.

Louis felt completely heartbroken and a new desire to protect this hurt boy in front of him. The fear that Harry felt had to have been something absolutely terrible, because there was no exaggeration in his screams. When he started crying again, Louis moved to his side and pulled in him close, humming quietly. 

“It’s alright, Harry. I’m here,” Louis shushed him as they laid down. Harry got quiet as his eyes closed. Louis pulled the covers up to Harry and was just about to leave the bed when Harry reached up and grabbed Louis’ hand. 

“Don’t leave,” Harry said vulnerably. His eyes looked so broken and innocent. Louis wanted nothing more than to stay in that bed right there with him forever. So he did.

“Of course not, Harry. I’m right here,” Louis crawled back into bed with Harry, and they stayed right like that, holding each other for the rest of the night. 

Neither of them had slept as soundly as they did that night.

-End of Chapter 5-


	6. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tasted like hope, like the brightest spot of light Louis had seen in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The perfect song for this chapter is 'First Day of My Life' by Bright Eyes. Please give it a listen while you read. I think it fits the mood quite well :~)
> 
> -WARNINGS-  
> THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF-HARM, MENTAL ILLNESS, AND RAPE. THERE ARE POSSIBLE TRIGGERS IN THIS STORY. READ WITH CAUTION.

Louis’ mind slowly came to life, and the first thing he registered was warm breath on his skin. It wasn’t his own, and it occurred to him the light was coming in differently. He wasn’t in his own bed. 

But he didn’t panic. Carefully, he opened his eyes and to his comfort, noticed that Harry was right next to him in bed. A warm feeling of devotion crawled over him as Harry stirred in his arms. His curly hair was pressed into Louis’ bare chest. His arms were wrapped around Louis’ waist and the two of them seemed to be entwined perfectly. 

Louis couldn't dream of moving, so he stayed right like that with Harry, admiring the way his breathing was slow and steady. And then Louis thought back to last night, the terror he heard in Harry’s voice. Something was seriously psychologically upset with him. Louis wanted to tell him “It’s going to be alright, Harry,” a hundred times, until his tongue dried up and fell out of his mouth. 

He thought about this carefully, watching Harry slowly awaken out of his sleep. Harry’s hands tightened around the small of Louis’ back before he looked up, opening his eyes. “Good morning, Lou,” He gave that classic smirk, albeit sleepy. And his voice, deep and tired and scratchy, was the perfect morning voice. It send waves of heat to Louis’ stomach. 

“Morning,” Louis replied, hearing the sleep in his own voice. “How are you feeling?” Harry unraveled himself from Louis and sat up, leaning against the wall while looking down at Louis.

“I’m alright,” there was a moment of silence before he added “Thank you,”

“For what?” Louis sat up, finally feeling how cold the room was compared to underneath the sheets.

“For staying with me. No one’s really ever done that for me besides my mum,” his voice was genuine. 

Louis nodded in response. He bit his tongue when the thought arose, but decided to ask anyways. “What do you dream about?” he looked up at Harry with curious eyes.

Harry looked down, playing with a corner of the sheets. “I don’t remember most of the time. But sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of them just really really scared, and I don’t know why,” Louis realized how beautiful Harry was right there, in front of him. His skin was pale in the overcast grey light coming from outside. He looked vulnerable and ready to love. Louis wanted Harry to love him. “I used to sleep walk when I was younger, but now I just get these night terrors…I’m sorry you had to see me like that,” Harry cast an upward glance at Louis.

Louis felt his boldness factor increase ten-fold. He moved closer to Harry, sitting next to him against the wall. “I was really scared for you, Harry. I get why you don’t like to go to sleep. You have nothing to be ashamed about,” 

Harry looked over at Louis for a moment, studying his face. His eyes were a mixture of gratefulness, understanding, and longing. And before Louis knew what was happening, Harry pulled him in, pressing their lips together with such a delicate yet forceful strength. Warmth spread over Louis’ entire body, and his skin crawled with electricity. Harry tasted like morning breath, but the sweet morning breath that Louis wanted to wake up to every single morning for the rest of his life. He tasted like hope, like the brightest spot of light Louis had seen in a very long time. He tasted like the future and strong promises. But above all else, Louis felt that feeling he’d been searching for since before the incident. He found his home. 

It was Harry. 

After holding the deep kiss for a few beautiful moments, Harry carefully pulled away, his eyes wide open and scanning Louis’ face frantically. “I-I’m sor-“ Louis cut him off by pulling him back into a kiss that was more passionate than the first. 

Neither of them fought it. They couldn’t. It was one of the greatest experiences either of them had ever been through. Harry brought his hands up Louis’ toned body, grateful that he was shirtless. He wanted to absorb every ounce of Louis’ existence, like sunlight on the brightest day. 

Harry sensually bit at Louis’ lips, earning a chuckle from Louis which caused his eyes to crinkle at the corners. They kissed one last time, hands on each other’s bodies. When they pulled away, their eyes showed just how content they were.

Louis’ cheeks were red with excitement. They didn’t need to talk for those next few moments. The electricity in the air was more than words could ever compare to. But eventually, Louis broke the comfortable silence. “It’s my turn to tell you why I’m here,” Harry took Louis’ hand and traced circles into his palm. 

“Alright,” Harry responded with interest. 

Louis took a deep breath and looked down, watching Harry play with his hand. It brought him comfort as the words he was about to speak were such an uncomfortable topic. “Over a year ago, my sister killed herself,” Harry squeeze Louis’ hand reassuringly. 

“Oh, Louis…” Louis could hear Harry’s sympathy in his voice. He didn’t want sympathy, though. He’d had enough of that to last him a life time. He just wanted Harry to know. He should know. 

“But before that, she uhm...” Louis felt himself choke up a little. His throat hurt and his eyes started to sting. He berated himself for wanting to cry. “She was raped, by some men who caught her as she walking to her car one night,” He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He started to cry, hard, right there. 

But somehow, these tears were different from the rest. He felt her loss, but he didn’t feel the bitter emptiness like he used to. It was a cleaner feeling of sadness, and he wasn’t sure why. Harry shifted close to him, pulling him into his chest. 

“I’m so broken, Harry. I broke down and I’ve never picked myself back up. I couldn’t save her. And I’m afraid I can’t save you,” It was more than Louis meant to say, and he didn’t even know he felt that way until it all came pouring out in between his sobs. 

Harry kissed Louis’ ear carefully. “Listen, now, Louis. You’re not broken and I’m not scared. We can help each other,”

Louis fell deeper into his feelings for Harry, and now it was his turn to cry unbearably. He wrapped his arms around his waist as Harry rubbed his bare back. Louis felt so safe in Harry’s arms. It was uncanny because just a week ago, Louis couldn’t stand the thought of someone trying to help him, someone who cared. 

But this was it, and here he was, and there was Harry and he felt thankful. 

They continued to sit in the pale and quiet morning light, talking softly, barely above a whisper. An hour had passed before the morning announcements began, signaling the official start to the day. The sports schedules were announced, along with the other extracurricular activities.

“Come on, Lou. Time to show up everyone out there who thinks they can kick a football,” He smirked and Louis nodded. They moved to go get dressed, but not before they shared one last kiss. 

It was almost as if they were saying “thank you,” to one another. God knows where Louis would be if it wasn’t for meeting this boy. It was like the world was finally pulling together, and Louis couldn’t be more ready. 

-End of Chapter 6-


End file.
